This week has been an absolute blessing. We had a couple of really hot, very humid, absolutely depressing days, and then last Thursday the weather broke and we’ve had days in the low 80s, moderate humidity, and cool breezes. I have my back door open and the air conditioner off on an early August day. It’s gorgeous and it restores my will to live.
I’ve been avoiding looking at the long-range forecast because I can’t handle the possibility of seeing the heat and humidity return (because it will, because it’s August, and because this is Baltimore and that’s just how it is).
It’s nice to have this break though. It’s amazing how quickly I can go from deeply depressed to … I don’t want to say “thriving” or “happy” but I am generally better balanced mentally and emotionally.
By the way, all the “You can beat depression with exercise!” really is bullshit for some people. Like me. I’ve been taking a daily walk – sometimes two or three times a day – for the last five years and not once have I ever come home and thought “I feel so much better!” I used to have a gym membership. Esso and I would go after work, or on a Saturday morning and esso would get all hyped up and do stuff and I would go home and sob myself to sleep because I felt scared and exhausted and deeply unhappy. I don’t know if there’s a combination of drugs in the world that can balance my brain. All I know is the daily walks, even in perfect weather, does not make me feel better in the slightest and it’s my dog that probably suffers for it. I can’t take her on really long walks because I’m only good for about half an hour before I absolutely need to be in my house, in the dark and quiet, with a fan blowing directly at me. It doesn’t matter what the weather is like — hot, cold, raining, snowing, whatever.
My poor brain is so disregulated that even the slightest rise in my heartrate makes me convinced my life is in immediate danger and I need to go to ground. Thank god for cannabis.