Killing time this morning waiting for coffee to brew and the dog to poo, I hit the Pluto TV app and the Stargate channel. The first thing I heard was Sheppard saying something about beer on the pier, and Rodney saying (in a very confused tone), “I drink beer?” and I shut that down so fast because there’s not much that absolutely upsets/terrifies/creeps me out, but that one thing is “genius loses their faculties” and the Stargate Atlantis episode “The Shrine” (streaming) is all about that.
It’s an amazing episode. It’s proof that David Hewlett is seriously underrated as an actor. But I’ve only been able to watch it twice because this really is the one thing that upsets me like nothing else.
I quit seeing a therapist when I tried to explain how terrifying the idea of losing your faculties was to me and she refused to get it. I don’t know if she thought she was leading me to some great breakthrough or she really couldn’t understand why losing my ability to think and forgetting who I am would be terrible, but if “If I can’t think or remember then who am I even?” didn’t explain it, I’m not really sure what else I could have said.
I’m also a little scared of “Locked-In” syndrome (that thing where your almost kinda in a coma, only just physically and your brain is still kicking around like normal) but not as scared as the losing thing, because most of my life has been spent not real sure how to interact in the physical world, and thinking things I couldn’t figure out how to communicate. Not being able to explain if/how I was in pain would be an issue, but again… I can’t really do that now.
Which is to say… my back really friggin hurts. It’s almost the same pain that sent me to the ER in September, but also not. It’s like a large chunk of my right abdomen was bitten by something and pulled off at the exact same time something kicked that same spot really hard and caved it in. It’s also simultaneously my ribs and not there at all. It’s nerves at the skin level and also somewhere floating inside.
Painkillers work, and I’m pretty sure a lot of it is just poor muscle tone and the fact that I did the recovery at a speed run because a) I am an idiot, b) they were never real clear about how long I shouldn’t do things, and c) I’m actually really just that much of an idiot (I wanted to drive myself home the day they discharged me). So like I’m not WORRIED about the pain, because it does get better and worse depending on how sensible I am, but it still HURTS and makes me cranky and distracted and tired and what I probably need is a few days off and someone else to deal with the dog, but what ya gonna do, right?
By the way, I’m aware of the irony of writing a blog about how I feel to complain about not being able to accurately explain how I feel. To quote Radiohead: This machine will not communicate / These thoughts and the strain I am under.
So look… I’ve been mentioning this blog more often to actual people, but I don’t know if you’re out there reading this. Mostly I don’t care, but today I’m using Edge on my backup computer to write this post and the site looks like absolute GARBAGE. If you ARE out there, drop a comment and let me know how things look for you. You can do it anonymously if you don’t want me to know who you are (because that would probably make me nervous if I knew who out there was actually reading (especially if you’re someone I might avoid eye contact with on a regular basis) — Take it up with my former therapist if you have a problem with that).