- The Partner-in-crime: Why are you watching so much "Murder, She Wrote"? Is it because you're getting old?
- Me: Shut up or I'll stab you with my knitting needle.
- Me: ... Not exactly helping my case, am I.
- NPR: * does story about Google Fiber *
- The Partner-in-crime: This is like porn.
- Me: Can I have sex with Google?
- The Partner-in-crime: I don't know?
- Me: I wasn't asking if it was possible. I was asking for permission.
- The partner-in-crime: Han and Leia went on to have Jedi kids.
- Me: Including a set of twins.
- The partner-in-crime: And Luke went to the dark side.
- Me: And back again. And either he had kids and one went to the dark side, or one of Leia's kids did.
- The partner-in-crime: And Chewbacca opened up a newspaper and magazine stand in SoHo!
- Me: I thought he opened up a big-and-tall menswear shop?
- The partner-in-crime: You must be thinking of another Chewbacca.
- Me: All the animals in the house seem pretty mellow today.
- The Partner-in-Crime: *singing* They call me mellow-yellow....
- Me: THANKS. Now that'll be stuck in my head all day.
- The Partner-in-Crime: Quite rightly.
- Kitti: (looking at my panda cellphone case) Pandaphone! Help, Pandaman! We need you!
- Me: That's actually my superhero identity. (Shouting) PANDEMONIUM! (Normal) That's my catchphrase.
- Kitti: (stares)
- Me: (stares)
- Kitti: (stares)
- Me: (exit, stage left)
- Sherlock: *plays "God save the Queen" on the violin*
- The partner-in-crime: There's one for you to learn
- Me: *plays*
How I Got Two Sodas For $1.25 (A True Story)
I went into the break room to get a soda to have with lunch. Normally I get a Pepsi but today I figured a Coke would be a nice change. It’s a buck twenty-five from the vending machine. I had two dollars.
Miraculously the machine took both bills without complaint. I pressed the button. A 20-oz bottle of Coke dropped. My change didn’t. The “Sold Out” button was flashing. On a whim I pressed the other Coke button.
A 20-oz bottle of Coke dropped.
Seventy-five cents in change dropped.
I went back to my desk, clutching my spoils.
If anyone needs me I will be very sugared-up and highly caffeinated, so look up. I’ll probably be swinging from the ventilation system.
Amazingly True Stories
- Me: (knitting a sock cuff) How long do you want these socks?
- The Partner-in-crime: As long as I can have them. Do they expire? Do they get turned over to the homeless at some point?
- Me: As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I hadn't thought that one through. I saw this coming.
- The Partner-in-crime: (still going) Will they turn into pumpkins at midnight? Until death us do part!